


What is love?

by Lluvia185



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, One Shot, Romance, Season 2, after 2x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:11:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9408797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lluvia185/pseuds/Lluvia185
Summary: After breaking up with Chris, Audrey thinks about what she knows of love. One-shot.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was my first in english, it was originally published on 2011 on ff.net but I've decided to move it here.  
> This work was betaed by Tempusborealis.

She was still sitting there, on the bench at the end of the harbor.

Just thinking.

Trying to understand what could be wrong with her. Chris's words had hurt her because he wanted, _needed_ her, but nothing else. He needed her to be able to continue his life somewhat normally, to keep in touch with the real world, keep him grounded.

And that was the story of her life. She had been wanted, needed, or just useful to someone, but never loved. Besides, what could she possibly know about love? Had she ever loved someone? Had someone ever loved her?

She was an orphan. Or at least that was what she remembered, except her memories weren't hers and she had no clue what or who she really was. Was she the same Lucy Ripley who was in Haven twenty-seven years ago? Was she a clone? A reincarnation? Or any other crazy things like those. And if she wasn't who she thought she was, why not make up a normal story with a normal childhood? Why make her believe the sad, harsh story of Audrey Parker, a woman without parents, family or friends?

Was it what she needed to understand the Troubles? Was she better able to help them, knowing a tough and lonely life?

She'd had to wait until she'd arrived in Haven to know what real attachment to someone felt like. How it was to have a friend, a real one. So what can she possible know about love? What was love? Was it that kind overwhelming feeling they sell in books, movies and romantic novels? The notion that you wouldn't be able to live without that person in your life. If love was that, maybe she never experienced it. She had had boyfriends, relationships of different kinds, but she never had thought she couldn't continue without them. Hell, she even had broken up with some of them because she knew it was better for her.

So yeah, she had no clue about love.

She was still there, pitying herself, when she sensed him arrive. He sat down next to her in silence, without words or questions, just offering his companionship. And just like that, she felt comforted in a way that no one else could. Letting out a sigh, she leaned her head on his shoulder.

"What happened?" he asked simply, after a few minutes looking at the sea in silence.

"I've... broken up with Chris." She sniffed, and Nathan turned right to look at her.

"I didn't know you'd become so fond of Brody," he said, looking at her but never meeting her eyes.

He didn't say that he was sorry, which was fine, because she knew he wasn't a big fan of Chris. Ironic? Sure, because everybody loved Chris, Nathan included, at least while he was looking at him. The rest of the time, not so much, or that was what she thought. Maybe Nathan felt the same awkward feeling she had felt when he started that thing with Jess. It hadn't been jealousy (of course not). More like an uncomfortable position – she'd forced herself to cover up with a lot of enthusiasm about their relationship. What a pair. Jess had left Nathan because he was too special, and the only reason Chris wanted her was because she _was_ special.

"I... it's not..." she trailed off. "I wasn't really thinking about him."

"Then what?" he asked. No grand speeches for Nathan Wournos.

"I don't know…" she started. She gathered the courage to look at him and say the thing that had been bothering her. "Is something wrong with me, Nathan?"

"What?" he asked, astonished. He was looking at her with a look more disbelieving than when she explained some of her crazy theories about a case.

"He needed me only because I'm immune to his affliction, and he—"

"Parker." he cut her off, shifting on the bench so he could look at her properly. "If Brody couldn't see that your immunity to the Troubles is just the tiniest thing that makes you so sp—"

"It's not just him, Nathan. It's me." She interrupted what could have been the longest phrase she'd ever heard her partner utter, frustration getting the best of her. "Before I came to Haven I'd never had a friend, the real kind. Not even a partner." Nathan remained silent, listening to her pouring her heart out to him. "Never invited in someone to my apartment, or let someone in my life, at all. I'm not even sure if I know what love looks like." At this, Nathan frowned at her like he wanted to cut her off again, but she didn't let him. "I mean it! If love is that kind of feeling that drives people crazy enough to do all kinds of stupid things, like, I don't know, running across an airport to beg someone never to leave your side... or... or..." she trailed off frustrated. "Then I'm sure I've never been in love before. And how sad, how pathetic is that?" She ended her speech with a heavy sigh, leaning back on the bench.

For a long minute, Nathan didn't say a word. She saw him struggling with himself before he reached out, placing a hand over hers, trying to offer her some comfort. Suddenly, that simple gesture made her heart bleed; she wasn't the only one with intimacy issues. She was the only thing in the world that her partner could feel, not only he never tried to touch her, but she rarely touched him either. What would she be like if she herself couldn't feel? Not pain, not pleasure, not a damn thing. Wouldn't she be desperate to touch the only thing in the world that she could actually feel? And yet, since she found out, he held himself back, not imposed himself on her, not even attempting casual contact, because he was nothing like Chris. He did not want to need her, not as a cure for his affliction. Suddenly, she felt an emotional outburst, and moved her hand beneath Nathan's. Before he had a chance to take his hand off hers, she entwined their fingers. He let out an unsteady sigh, like her touch was too much. Neither of them talked for a few minutes; they just held hands in silence, staring at the ocean.

"Parker," Nathan said in his deep serious-to-death voice after several minutes had passed. She turned to look at him, but said nothing. "I... don't think love is like that."

"How do you think it is?" she asked plainly, shifting on the bench and leaning her head over his shoulder again.

"It's... when you wish the person you love would be happy..." He left the sentence unfinished, but he was compelled to end it when Audrey kept staring at him. "Trying hard to make that person be happy, with all you have, and if you can achieve that, you'll be happy too."

"That seems..." _easier_ _but complex at the same time_ , she thought. Wishing someone would be happy was easier than chasing a lover across the world; on the other hand, actually _making_ someone happy seemed like a real challenge. That was _not_ an easy thing to achieve.

Audrey felt his eyes on her when she remained silent, and she couldn't help but smirk at him - the irony of the conversation wasn't lost on her: The guy of the numb skin revealing love to the girl of the numb heart.

"Nathan Wournos, the man who can't feel, giving me lessons about love." She regretted it even before she finished it, when he tensed up all of a sudden and attempted to slide his hand from hers. "I was joking, Nathan," she added while squeezing his hand.

"Whatever," he replied noncommittally. He shrugged his shoulders pretending he didn't care.

' _To_ _wish the person you love would be happy._ ' Nathan's words echoed in her mind as she looked at him, and she felt her guts clenching in a completely unexpected way.

_Maybe_...

Maybe love wasn't a feeling so entirely strange to her. Maybe she already had known it for some time without realizing. She just may have had no idea what love was like until this very moment.

_To_ _wish someone you love would be happy_. She had that. She wishes Nathan would be happy, for a long time ago. So the question was, could she risk their friendship leaping to the conclusion that she also would want to _make_ him happy, instead of just wish for it? Because that had to be the difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

She turned to him, shifting again on the bench. She stared at him while gathering the courage to do what she was contemplating. She lifted her other hand, and with an intentional move she cupped his face. Audrey didn't miss the way his eyes fluttered closed or how his breath hitched in his throat. She was the only person who could do that to him. It was the same ability she'd hated because of Chris, and yet watching Nathan hold his breath at her touch, she was glad for her immunity to the Troubles.

"Parker?" he asked opening his eyes, now more in control of himself. She smiled at him, wondering why he always called her by her surname, when she never did. Why did he try so hard to impose that formality between them? It was the same kind of distance he used to have with his father.

Audrey moved her hand to stroke his cheek and slid her fingertips into his hair. She closed the space between them, watching emotions fighting across his face. His usually crystal green eyes had become darker with a mix of confusion and anticipation, his breathing shallow.

Then, gently, she pressed her lips to his. It was a soft, almost chaste kiss, but it made all clear to her. It was that, It _had to_ be.

She felt all the right things you should when you kissed someone you like; butterflies in her stomach, some kind of sweet, eager pressure building inside her core, a humming sensation in her ears, and even a stupid trembling all over her body. But there was more, something else she couldn't describe that had never been there before.

She broke the kiss just for a second, just enough time to open her eyes and look into his. The emotions in his eyes were so overwhelming that she swallowed hard. Yeah, there was definitely something else here that she had never felt before. She pulled him into another kiss, soft lips pressed against his, slightly more demanding than before. He moaned into her and she took advantage of him, nipping his bottom lip and sucking his lip gently into her mouth. And that was all Nathan could bear before making a move on her. He put his other hand on her back, over her shoulder, pulling her close to him. He opened his mouth, returning the kiss, caressing her lips with the tip of his tongue. Now was her turn to moan. Audrey tightened her grip on him, buried her hands in his hair pinning him to her, opening her mouth and allowed their tongues meet together in a joyful bliss.

Before either of them realized it, they broke loose their holding hands. Audrey's went around his neck, gripping the material of his jacket; Nathan's found its way to the nape of her neck, his fingers buried in her now loose up-do hair. The kiss was desperate, needy, even hungry, Nathan kissed her back like it was the only thing in the world that mattered, like a starving man come across a feast. She nipped, sucked, licked and stroked his lips and tongue, and he gave it back with enthusiasm.

At some point, they broke apart reluctantly, both breathing heavy and shallow. Audrey's hair was a mess, tangled around Nathan's fingers. Audrey's fingernails were scraping his scalp while her other hand rested on on his jaw, stroking his neck with her fingertips. She also felt his fingers caressing the lower part of her back in an absent-minded way, beneath her clothes.

She leaned against his forehead and when she opened her eyes, the heavy, unmistakable emotion in Nathan's dark eyes made her gulp hard. He stared like she was about to disappear.

"You were right," she said in an unstable voice.

"About?" he asked huskily.

"It had to be make someone happy."

A little rare smile appeared across his lips and he kissed her one more time. She kissed him back immediately, tasting, exploring him, in so addictive way that they were lost again in each other after a few seconds. Somehow Nathan managed to break them apart for enough time to say a few words.

"We... shouldn't do this" He whispered in unsteady voice. Audrey's face fall suddenly, her mouth made an O shape. "I mean..." he trailed off again, flush on his face and shifting awkward on the bench. "We should get indoors before someone sues us for public indecency, Parker"

She smiled sheepishly but full of joy, and he gave her back a cheeky grin which seemed kind of strange and new on him.

"Now we're talking, detective," she answered, getting up and dragging him behind her, never letting go of his hand.

 

The End

 


End file.
